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Love for Sale (Post 10)


The way that media teaches us to love is grossly inaccurate. In the love we see on screen, there are only two options for each character. They can either be emotionally deprived and devoid of feeling or gullible and beholden to love. In the rare instances in popular television where a character starts off with some complexity or ambiguity, there is always a defining moment in which they are swayed in one direction or the other. In terms of the women I see on screen, emotional deprivation usually accompanies independence while emotional vulnerability is usually common amongst characters that embody the ditzy, sexualized female archetype. For men, they have the choice between being a macho, testosterone-fueled sex-machine or a nerdy, sensitive second choice.

In reality, no one embodies these characteristics entirely. But, because humans are bad at communicating with each other, we assume that in order to be loved we must become the characters we see on screen. In my case, the thought of being beholden to anyone sickens me, so I try very hard to be reserved and unreachable to avoid getting hurt. And that's not a way to go on living. Some of my friends behave like I do, while others dress a certain way and hide their intelligence so as to feel attractive and appealing. In the case of my male friends, some of them will hide behind their intelligence while others will puff out their chests and talk in a lower voice in order to appear more "manly." 

When it comes to talking about love, people around me get very uncomfortable about the subject. Recently, I had a conversation with a friend who told me that he was ashamed of his virginity because that meant that he had never been in a "real" relationship. He defined love along the lines of sex, and he lived in a world where emotion is secondary. In talking to some of my female friends, they are concerned that no boys "like" them. It doesn't matter who they are attracted to or whether they're attracted to the people who "like" them - what matters to them is that they know that they are an object of desire. To them, self worth is linked with the potential for being loved. And if this is the reality we exist in, then something is wrong.

Love should be beautiful and painful and scary and thrilling. Rejection shouldn't be final; people should be able to see that there is more to the world than the one person they were infatuated with at a specific moment in time. I should learn that vulnerability is not synonymous with ditziness - that I can maintain my independence while freeing myself from inside of my mind. 

There are more than two choices - despite what the screenwriters tell us. Instead of striving to make things more simple for the sake of making the material consumable, we should be able to explore the complexities of love without being paralyzed by fear. In terms of my friend who is ashamed of his virginity, I hope he can learn to tamper down the hormones and shut out the voices of the boys who mock him and defy the messages sent by the shows he watches. In terms of the girls who long for someone to like them, I hope that they can see that there is more to life than being attractive. In terms of the kids who long for relationships other than the heterosexual "norm" presented on popular television, I hope that we can be free from the preconceived notions of love that bind others. 

The complexities of falling in love and the intricacies of love as it evolves can't really be accurately portrayed over the course of a television series, let alone be confined to a 2-hour movie. People come in more than two forms, and that's what makes them wonderful and fascinating and attractive. Love isn't the lacy lingerie we see in ads or the domineering, traditionally masculine business titan we see on screen. Love doesn't always end in the dramatic, explosive way it does in movies - it might die slowly over time or change and morph into something new. Love is fantastic and awful and inconvenient and odd and marvelous - and we're wrong to gloss over any part of it for the sake of monetizing love as a concept. 

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